Friday, November 20, 2009

My Heart

The first half of yesterday was a pretty decent day. I met up with Anne to work at Starbucks. I was meeting up with James later in the day so i had been looking forward to that, got dressed up a little bit, was in a happy mood, plus had a great time hanging out with Anne to boot.

To update, James and i have been seeing each other a bit/getting a lot closer as of late. It's been two weeks since we first met up. The first week in particular, despite the distance, we saw each other almost everyday. On Veteran's Day when he had the day off, i went to his home and we hung out together all day. I even felt comfortable/connected enough that we slept together. I did have my reservations about him in the beginning, but through spending time together, we warmed up so quickly. He just seems different - well-adjusted, reasonable, compassionate, insightful, and just kind-hearted. Definitely unique in many regards, and there's something about him that makes me feel "safe", that it lets me open up, let my guards down, and connect with him. He's now become the first person i talk to every morning, talk/chat/text with throughout the day, and video chat every night before going to bed. The second week (this past week) we hadn't seen each other in a while, and he said he missed me so much that he just couldn't wait so he wanted to come up from the City just to see me. That was last night. I picked him up at the station after work and we went out to dinner. We were both so giddy to see each other, it was kind of ridiculous.

During dinner, he asked me about my past relationships, that he knows there are things from my past that are affecting me now, saying that he wanted to know more about me. So, i did - about my deep issues in relationships and with men, about things that have happened in the past, the icky private stuff, everything. I knew from the ways we've talked in the past that i could trust him not to judge or see me differently, that this would only be a positive step, that ultimately this would deepen our relationship and understanding of each other and let us connect more.

Then, he told me that last weekend he slept with someone else.

God, i'm such a F'N idiot. Why why why why why. This is just what i get for opening up - every time i do, i get slapped in the face for it, but i'm so dumb that i never learn. I've failed to protect myself, again. And i can't even really legitimatize being upset or feeling hurt about this because we weren't exactly bf-gf. It was just me, getting attached, so i have to accept that. A few nights ago when i went stargazing, Anne's friend (who's interested in me) was trying to get close, but i couldn't even consider reciprocating, with respect to James. But it was so easy for James to just fuck someone else in the meantime.

After he went home last night, we chatted til 6:30 this morning. I need to end this now, hell it already is over, but it hurts and i just want to talk to him, which i know is just sick. And he is so remorseful about it, and he keeps messaging. He is telling me that he has never felt like a bigger failure than to have done what he did. That he didn't see what he had in front of him and ran away for his fear of commitment. But that he actually loves me. He thinks i'm "the one". This is only messing me up further, and i am confused why he can say such things. It only sounds like a cop-out cover up to have your cake and eat it too. To admit his true feelings toward me, he says that the thought of me cuddling with someone else makes him jealous - but that of course only stabs me more that he could think that and then also go sleep with someone else so easily, especially after we already had. I simply cannot see what he did and also believe what he says.

So i know i have to walk away. But it f'n sucks. I feel numb for the most part, with bouts of hurt. I also feel like the biggest moron. I just should've gone with my first impression/instincts, and just never have gotten involved or thought that, with him, i could trust.

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