((from Wednesday when i spent the day in Brooklyn, written offline))
I set my alarm for 7:00 this morning, but woke up at 5:50 (and quite easily, at that). I considered staying up to just catch an earlier train into the City to maximize stay time, but decided that the original plan was f*n early enough. Got into Grand Central earlier than James who was going to meet me there, so decided to just follow the directions and go all the way to his hood, and was surprised to be there by 10:00. That was about an hour and a half from home to northern Brooklyn (noted to self for possible future commute route travel time). That's still freakin' long, and it won't be that much cheaper because transportation ended up costing $30 including the subway. If i worked 22 days a month, that would cost me $660, totally defeating the purpose of saving rent (especially at the expense of my sanity) - okay, one vote in for moving, one less vote for commuting to Brooklyn from Westchester (jury's still out re: Manhattan). So if i get a job in Brooklyn, i'm definitely moving there - unless i want to be spending 3 hours and $30 everyday on the train. No thanks.
James had a nice apartment i could see myself living in. Well, by that, i mean that it was furnished decently and the amenities were clean-looking/nice/updated. However, he does have 3 other roommates, and has a room the size of a closet (and without a closet) for almost $700. And he says he "lucked out". Sheet. How is it that SF was so much cheaper to live in? I'm not a student in my early 20s anymore. I don't want that many roommates, not for that price anyway. So the current resolution i'm brewing is to find a spacious can-be-two bedroom apartment for somewhere around or a little over a grand, and then maybe ask James if he'd be my roommate (the set-up can only work with someone who'd be okay with slightly more intimate joint space usage than with total strangers, where this wouldn't cause any setbacks, only enticing perks like cheaper rent and enjoyable company and food sharing). From what i've gotten to know about him, we'll probably get along okay, he's not opposed to cats, has a job, and we have similar tastes in entertainment and hobbies, as well as dietary, domestic, and financial needs. I shall look.
As for the hangout, i had a pretty good time. Of course, as i had feared, more work got done in half of the morning train ride than during all the rest of the day combined, but it was still nice nonetheless (just REALLY need to kick my ass the rest of the week, for F*s sake). When i got there, James cooked me a vegetarian breakfast which was sweet, and we hung out, me on my computer and him on his unfinished scarf... But then eventually out comes the offer of the pipe (which i don't think i have ever refused in a social setting - it's like an automatic "mmmm, ok!", never actually passing through my brain for review.) The act of course contains us in a closed room, and then things naturally went (again) further than i had planned on. Mmm. I'm still glad to have had a nice time with him today, but am now feeling that familiar antsiness/uneasiness. I realize that i tend to feel this way whenever i start to get myself into a physical relationship with someone. I get very worrisome and scared and uncertain, fretting and twitchy, craving company and reassurance. It is anxiety (about whether or not what i did was the wrong thing), and dread (of possibly realizing that i had done the wrong thing), and guilt (of anything and everything i could possibly feel bad about). Just, generally very icky and distressful. It's really the manifestations of ghosts from various past experiences, i know. It's just still unpleasant, but if James is a decent and mature person (which i think he is), i think i should be calming down in time.
Okay, i am now at the library, which will be open late tonight (til 8pm). I plan on being here til then, or close to closing anyway.
This morning at the bagel shop (because the library opens late on Thursdays), i worked on that dang cover letter. I just have so much to write about all the ways i think i'm qualified for this job (really, it's rare to find something with this much match, but i might be saying *too* much), and i am just about finishing it up. It's dawning on me how fast the last week has gone. I had originally found this job posting at a timing when i thought i could get my application in early. Somehow i managed to piss away all that cushion time and now just have a day til the weekend before the deadline, not even much time to do a follow up (i'll probably just wait til after the deadline to do that, which i guess is still okay). Anyway, so today's priority is to get this done and hopefully get it in by tomorrow, end of today would be great.
If i do get that in today, i would like to spend tomorrow on fixing and submitting my fecal draft. But i'll worry about that tomorrow.
Aside from job stuff and school stuff, there are a few personal stuff that have been awaiting my attention on the back burner. James sent me a bunch of apartment postings so i should check those out (though he only sends me sublet postings for some reason, so they may or may not be usable). I still have a bunch of emails to catch up on, and a few stressful phone calls i need to make. I'm not seeing the phone calls happening today since i'll be at the library during remaining business hours, but maybe i'll do the emails today, phone calls tomorrow. But application first and foremost. Employment. Income. Independence. Yay.
So... i'm at the library, arrived not more than 30 minutes ago. I looked up at a presence that was shuffling toward me - and realized it was my mother. She wordlessly set down a bag of food next to me, winked, and left.
As kind and considerate as the gesture was, i cannot help feeling a tad bit creeped out by my parents' recent behavior.
I am finding myself having much difficulty understanding why they cannot just leave me alone. Are they being extreme, or am i just bothered because i am oh so very *good* at leaving everyone and everything alone in my life (as in, procrastinating and not responding to people and never following up on anything)? And how is it that we are so drastically different? I guess it may be a combination of both, but i'm fairly certain they are not normal either...