Friday, November 20, 2009

My Heart

The first half of yesterday was a pretty decent day. I met up with Anne to work at Starbucks. I was meeting up with James later in the day so i had been looking forward to that, got dressed up a little bit, was in a happy mood, plus had a great time hanging out with Anne to boot.

To update, James and i have been seeing each other a bit/getting a lot closer as of late. It's been two weeks since we first met up. The first week in particular, despite the distance, we saw each other almost everyday. On Veteran's Day when he had the day off, i went to his home and we hung out together all day. I even felt comfortable/connected enough that we slept together. I did have my reservations about him in the beginning, but through spending time together, we warmed up so quickly. He just seems different - well-adjusted, reasonable, compassionate, insightful, and just kind-hearted. Definitely unique in many regards, and there's something about him that makes me feel "safe", that it lets me open up, let my guards down, and connect with him. He's now become the first person i talk to every morning, talk/chat/text with throughout the day, and video chat every night before going to bed. The second week (this past week) we hadn't seen each other in a while, and he said he missed me so much that he just couldn't wait so he wanted to come up from the City just to see me. That was last night. I picked him up at the station after work and we went out to dinner. We were both so giddy to see each other, it was kind of ridiculous.

During dinner, he asked me about my past relationships, that he knows there are things from my past that are affecting me now, saying that he wanted to know more about me. So, i did - about my deep issues in relationships and with men, about things that have happened in the past, the icky private stuff, everything. I knew from the ways we've talked in the past that i could trust him not to judge or see me differently, that this would only be a positive step, that ultimately this would deepen our relationship and understanding of each other and let us connect more.

Then, he told me that last weekend he slept with someone else.

God, i'm such a F'N idiot. Why why why why why. This is just what i get for opening up - every time i do, i get slapped in the face for it, but i'm so dumb that i never learn. I've failed to protect myself, again. And i can't even really legitimatize being upset or feeling hurt about this because we weren't exactly bf-gf. It was just me, getting attached, so i have to accept that. A few nights ago when i went stargazing, Anne's friend (who's interested in me) was trying to get close, but i couldn't even consider reciprocating, with respect to James. But it was so easy for James to just fuck someone else in the meantime.

After he went home last night, we chatted til 6:30 this morning. I need to end this now, hell it already is over, but it hurts and i just want to talk to him, which i know is just sick. And he is so remorseful about it, and he keeps messaging. He is telling me that he has never felt like a bigger failure than to have done what he did. That he didn't see what he had in front of him and ran away for his fear of commitment. But that he actually loves me. He thinks i'm "the one". This is only messing me up further, and i am confused why he can say such things. It only sounds like a cop-out cover up to have your cake and eat it too. To admit his true feelings toward me, he says that the thought of me cuddling with someone else makes him jealous - but that of course only stabs me more that he could think that and then also go sleep with someone else so easily, especially after we already had. I simply cannot see what he did and also believe what he says.

So i know i have to walk away. But it f'n sucks. I feel numb for the most part, with bouts of hurt. I also feel like the biggest moron. I just should've gone with my first impression/instincts, and just never have gotten involved or thought that, with him, i could trust.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Weekend Musings

Went to sleep last night pretty late (~4:30), but of course, no sleeping in these days, weekday or weekend. I was up ~9:00, but whoosh, it's the afternoon and i'm just really getting settled and started. Where the morning went, i have no idea, but hopefully i can still make something of the rest of this day.

Okay, that bit was from yesterday (Saturday). The rest of the day was spent by:
- lunch with Howie and Chris (got picked up, hence the interruption above)
- random outings (Costco, then trying to track down a kid who Chris sold something to online and whose check bounced. The attempt was unsuccessful only ending with a "I don't want to go court over this" note on their door, but that's about the extent of excitement and adventure here in Westchester.
- home for a bit, eating collected scrapings for dinner while hiding in my bedroom. I've been eating this way for about the last 3 weeks.
- sent in job app - YES.
- screwed around online / tended to a little knitting and material organization, updated ravelry.
- around 10:30 when i was already in my pjs, Howie called with an invite to go bowling. The spontaneous plan ended up being lots of fun (though i sat out for the games to save money), and more surprisingly, no phone calls from home! And we even went out to eat afterward and i stayed out til ~1:30. I think i might've found a new way of sneaking out - later at night when i can make it look like i'm already in bed. This tactic has worked once and failed once, so i shall reexamine the details and see what made it successful this time around...

Anyway, new day. Spent 2.5 hours of my afternoon on the phone with car insurance people, and though i feel like i've been mildly productive with my day thus far, i look down and realize i'm still in my pjs. As far as the coverage status goes - apparently, i was deducted for six months back in June (when my card was still valid) so i was covered all through til December after all. This was the good news. The bad news started when i tried to update my address. It turns out that my premium increased because of the move, which i somewhat expected, but it was from 317 to 600-something. As if that wasn't enough, they then asked me that "who else lives in your new household?" question. Since it was posed much more casually than that, i didn't think much about it and told them i live with my parents. Then they start asking me for their names, coverage status, insurer, driver's license info... When i told them i don't have any of that on hand right now, they quoted me for $2800 or some BS as such. Me and my big mouth - but at this point it wasn't as though i could tell them that "no wait, i mean, i DON'T live with my parents. Or anyone." I told them that there's no way i'd be able to pay that much, and even if i provided the info to bring it down to the 600s, neither did i want to go through the hassle of finding all this info and faxing it and whatnot, when even with it my rate was jumping 200% because my zip code changed. It's really too bad that they have this new (?) procedure now because they just lost a customer of 7+ years. I shopped around for others, and it turns out that no one else asks for that info! (Heart that that may only have happened because of a *change* in address, but ito doesn't with new quotes). And, it even turns out that i found someone else for $235, which was a lot cheaper than what i started with. Heh. Well, at least that makes me feel better about spending the whole afternoon with this ordeal. I am cancelling the original policy and getting a refund for the unused portion, while i'm also already set with payments on the new policy for the next 6 months.

In other news, i've been really good with my abstinence. Okay, it's only been 3 days, but a completely clean and honest 3 days at that. Not even a cigarette to compensate. The weekend was a hump of course with all the social outings and recreational domestic activities, but if i get through today, i'm hoping that i'll hear back from the job relatively soon in the coming week because that would strengthen my resolve. If i don't, then it'll be an indefinite length of time, but at least that'll give my system more time to cleanse out.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

3-in-1 Post!

((from Wednesday when i spent the day in Brooklyn, written offline))

I set my alarm for 7:00 this morning, but woke up at 5:50 (and quite easily, at that). I considered staying up to just catch an earlier train into the City to maximize stay time, but decided that the original plan was f*n early enough. Got into Grand Central earlier than James who was going to meet me there, so decided to just follow the directions and go all the way to his hood, and was surprised to be there by 10:00. That was about an hour and a half from home to northern Brooklyn (noted to self for possible future commute route travel time). That's still freakin' long, and it won't be that much cheaper because transportation ended up costing $30 including the subway. If i worked 22 days a month, that would cost me $660, totally defeating the purpose of saving rent (especially at the expense of my sanity) - okay, one vote in for moving, one less vote for commuting to Brooklyn from Westchester (jury's still out re: Manhattan). So if i get a job in Brooklyn, i'm definitely moving there - unless i want to be spending 3 hours and $30 everyday on the train. No thanks.

James had a nice apartment i could see myself living in. Well, by that, i mean that it was furnished decently and the amenities were clean-looking/nice/updated. However, he does have 3 other roommates, and has a room the size of a closet (and without a closet) for almost $700. And he says he "lucked out". Sheet. How is it that SF was so much cheaper to live in? I'm not a student in my early 20s anymore. I don't want that many roommates, not for that price anyway. So the current resolution i'm brewing is to find a spacious can-be-two bedroom apartment for somewhere around or a little over a grand, and then maybe ask James if he'd be my roommate (the set-up can only work with someone who'd be okay with slightly more intimate joint space usage than with total strangers, where this wouldn't cause any setbacks, only enticing perks like cheaper rent and enjoyable company and food sharing). From what i've gotten to know about him, we'll probably get along okay, he's not opposed to cats, has a job, and we have similar tastes in entertainment and hobbies, as well as dietary, domestic, and financial needs. I shall look.

As for the hangout, i had a pretty good time. Of course, as i had feared, more work got done in half of the morning train ride than during all the rest of the day combined, but it was still nice nonetheless (just REALLY need to kick my ass the rest of the week, for F*s sake). When i got there, James cooked me a vegetarian breakfast which was sweet, and we hung out, me on my computer and him on his unfinished scarf... But then eventually out comes the offer of the pipe (which i don't think i have ever refused in a social setting - it's like an automatic "mmmm, ok!", never actually passing through my brain for review.) The act of course contains us in a closed room, and then things naturally went (again) further than i had planned on. Mmm. I'm still glad to have had a nice time with him today, but am now feeling that familiar antsiness/uneasiness. I realize that i tend to feel this way whenever i start to get myself into a physical relationship with someone. I get very worrisome and scared and uncertain, fretting and twitchy, craving company and reassurance. It is anxiety (about whether or not what i did was the wrong thing), and dread (of possibly realizing that i had done the wrong thing), and guilt (of anything and everything i could possibly feel bad about). Just, generally very icky and distressful. It's really the manifestations of ghosts from various past experiences, i know. It's just still unpleasant, but if James is a decent and mature person (which i think he is), i think i should be calming down in time.


Okay, i am now at the library, which will be open late tonight (til 8pm). I plan on being here til then, or close to closing anyway.

This morning at the bagel shop (because the library opens late on Thursdays), i worked on that dang cover letter. I just have so much to write about all the ways i think i'm qualified for this job (really, it's rare to find something with this much match, but i might be saying *too* much), and i am just about finishing it up. It's dawning on me how fast the last week has gone. I had originally found this job posting at a timing when i thought i could get my application in early. Somehow i managed to piss away all that cushion time and now just have a day til the weekend before the deadline, not even much time to do a follow up (i'll probably just wait til after the deadline to do that, which i guess is still okay). Anyway, so today's priority is to get this done and hopefully get it in by tomorrow, end of today would be great.

If i do get that in today, i would like to spend tomorrow on fixing and submitting my fecal draft. But i'll worry about that tomorrow.

Aside from job stuff and school stuff, there are a few personal stuff that have been awaiting my attention on the back burner. James sent me a bunch of apartment postings so i should check those out (though he only sends me sublet postings for some reason, so they may or may not be usable). I still have a bunch of emails to catch up on, and a few stressful phone calls i need to make. I'm not seeing the phone calls happening today since i'll be at the library during remaining business hours, but maybe i'll do the emails today, phone calls tomorrow. But application first and foremost. Employment. Income. Independence. Yay.


So... i'm at the library, arrived not more than 30 minutes ago. I looked up at a presence that was shuffling toward me - and realized it was my mother. She wordlessly set down a bag of food next to me, winked, and left.

As kind and considerate as the gesture was, i cannot help feeling a tad bit creeped out by my parents' recent behavior.

I am finding myself having much difficulty understanding why they cannot just leave me alone. Are they being extreme, or am i just bothered because i am oh so very *good* at leaving everyone and everything alone in my life (as in, procrastinating and not responding to people and never following up on anything)? And how is it that we are so drastically different? I guess it may be a combination of both, but i'm fairly certain they are not normal either...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Egg and Cheese

I'm sitting at the local mom's and pop's deli/bagel shop on the way to the library, working through my egg and cheese on a toasted everything bagel breakfast sandwich and a hefty bucket of caffeine. The salt on the bagel and sugar in my coffee have both been added a bit too generously, but i'm still enjoying this space and time so very grounded in the heart of the Village of Ardsley. It's a Tuesday late morning, and most of the occupants of the joint are old rich white people. (Well, i'm certain of two of those things, and assuming about the other considering it's midday midweek and they're sitting in casual clothes in no apparent rush to go anywhere.) This of course excludes myself, and the Latina girl sitting next to me poring over J. Lo tabloids, and the middle-aged Asian couple that assembled my breakfast for me. Seated at the table immediately to my right are two quintessential Westchester Old Ladies. Even this quintessence of theirs makes them endearing to me - there's something strangely heartwarming and uplifting about the ability to live over 80 years without once losing hold of that rigid snobbish hautiness, that seeming bitterness only deepening with age. This variety of WCOL isn't quite as irritating as the pair i've seen at Panera: the identical real-life versions of Patty and Selma who glare and point at you all through their stay, commenting on everything from your race to your jewelry. This morning's duo isn't as menacing - though they seem to share this tradition of social observation and accompanying audible comments of everything and everyone they see in the restaurant. I sat down and they started talking about my bag. The girl to my left got up with her phone and they talked about her techniques of texting and which fingers are to be used. I didn't even notice how i had adjusted my seating position, until they started talking about how they used to be able to sit in their younger years the way i'm sitting with my legs crossed, and who of their neighbors and relatives can sit like me. Then for a while they talked about who in their neighbors and relatives are left-handed. I think now they're talking about the woman that just came in carrying her terrier, and who in their neighbors and relatives have a dog like that. I wonder if in my old age: 1) i'd still have teeth strong enough to keep eating NY bagels, 2) i will be able to reach a state of peace and contentment and satisfaction in every part of my life that all i have to talk about are mundane details of others' affairs, 3) lose my hearing to the point where i am no longer aware of the fact that i'm talking about surrounding strangers while seated 12 inches from them.

Anyway, these are the musings from this morning. I just realized it's well past noon - i'm going to drop you a text and head over to the library!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hard drives and pierogis

So today I woke up super late. On the rag, outside is super rainy - it's just not going to happen. I came downstairs just before NOON, shivery, started a major fire, ate yummy leftovers and talked with Grace. Then just as I sit down and start fucking around on the 'net (in hopeful pre-thesis mode), there's a thump at the door, and I realize... it's my hard drive!

I bought a terabyte hard drive on Friday, was hoping it would get delivered on Saturday but they were all "your shipping address is different than your billing address durr hurr" so they fucked it up awesomely, so here it is today. Then of course that takes up several hours of me playing with my new toy. Finally around 4ish I realize that pierogi making is going to be a Production so I figure I start early so they'll be ready early, and we can just boil and fry them up when it's dinner time. Well fast forward 4 hours later, and between the beet & chickpea salad, doing a double batch of pierogi (half to save for later), sending Grace to the store for Tofutti Sour Supreme, and Joni making gingered greens, plus carmelizing onions and figuring out how to boil, drain, and fry the pierogi in the right times was... whew. Anyway they turned out great, a little chewy but good, and people all enjoyed them.

Tomorrow I really REALLY need to get a full day in on the thesis. I'm just going to start writing the sections for the Netherlands. It would be nice to have that done in the next few days so that I can start editing the sections, maybe have other people read them, and get the other parts taken care of (like uh the whole America part, but also I don't know if I really have a literature review per se). I basically have 2 weeks, and I told Bob I'd put some edits into InDesign for the Redmond project I worked on last summer. It worked out well, I don't have time for the 20-40 hours he was originally asking for, but putting the edits in should be more along the lines of 6 hours I think.

Meanwhile I also have a meeting to attend on the 19th, and I do have to do some work on the contract for Tulalip, see where Eiko is with the maps, what else I need before our December meeting, and when we're having it. I also need to call Erica, catch up, hopefully hear awesome birthday stories and apologize for only facebook messaging her and not actually calling on her bday. I am SO lame. Also need to then ask her to do me a favor and get my ticket home set up for Xmas. Then talk about when I would come visit her. I'd still like to visit this late winter/early spring, I think it's very do-able.

Anyway! I hope you had a good day and I will talk to you tomorrow.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Ohh, BooBoo...

DOOD, okay. New week, new list. A coupla new headaches to add.

I made a very recent realization that i haven't paid car insurance. In MONTHS. (The irony is that these realizations only occur to *good* drivers that never need to think about their insurance coverage.) These were one of those moments where the more i thought about the thought, the worse the situation got (or the more the bad situation presented itself). I thought:

- Why haven't i paid car insurance in so long? How did i forget?
Because i haven't heard from them in a while like i usually do.
- Why not?
Because the email address they have for me is the one i've been avoiding checking for the last couple of months, due to completely unrelated reasons.
- Well, but they were on auto-pay on the credit card.
Yes, but that was my old credit card, which expired in August. Which is about the time they would've notified me. Except they would've through email. Except that was around the time i started being avoidant of said email account.

HolyshitHolyshitHolyshit. F*CK.

So that needs to be dealt with, and ASAP. I don't want to deal with it. I don't even want to deal with my landlord situation when i'm 100% right.

Catch-Up Day

Today is catch-up day.

Thursday was spent doing more domestic stuff, less desk work.

Friday was spent going into the City til the early evening, then going out to the harvest and hanging out with friends.

Saturday was spent sleeping in a little, then all the rest of the day with J.

Yes, today is for redemption.

- Finish that cover letter.
- Install Word.
- Respond to P (email). This is the guy i've been emailing with from the veggie site, but with each email i'm losing interest (completely separate from having met someone else). Not too thrilled, but for some reason i feel bad just ending it.

I'm sure there are a ton other things i can and should do today, but i'll return and add when they come to mind.

- Oh yah, like finding out how to get prompts sent to me when new postings/comments are made here. How do i do that?

Plans Toward the Weekend

[I wrote this on Friday on my computer where i didn't have Internet access, so i'm posting it now. Maybe the fact that the contents are out of date make it obsolete and irrelevant for a to-do-list blog, but just trying to fill in the gap and tie me into Sunday plans. :]

Plans toward the weekend have changed a bit.

D had very recently told me that he's coming into NYC from LA. He arrived on Tuesday, and he has to be back at work in LA on Sunday morning so his stay is short and he (being D) has a lot of people to meet, and he only had time on Friday morning open. He'll be headed toward Connecticut later today, but rather than meeting up somewhere along the way (which is where i live), we decided it's easier if i came down to the City so that's what this morning was devoted to. It was a commuter train during commuting hours, which always gives me a glimpse as to what my life might be like if i work in the City (especially if i stay living with my parents). The Hudson Line is beautiful, especially this time of year as it follows alongside the river surrounded by autumn foliage with the cliffs and the crisp air, though this fare is so g-damned expensive (roundtrip could cost more then $30. This is also why i can't go into the City very often).

Anyway, Grand Central/the subways were INSANE, thanks to baseball. Dang Yankees fans - if i was indifferent about the game/teams before, i'm not anymore after today.

Met up with D, had brunch. It was great to see him and catch up. The last time we met may have been LA, 3.5 years ago. Seeing old friends has actually been the theme of this past year, it seems, starting with the high school 10th year reunion last November. This summer, i met up with more old friends in Japan (high school and SF). Then since moving back to Westchester, it's been everyone from kindergarten to CMU. Then of course there has been the travelling - like seeing you and Lauren and D&A. Much of this made possible by FaceBook. Oddly enough, very few run-ins with Cornell faces, and this may stay this way. Granted, that era was much more recent in my life, as well as shorter in duration, so that may be a lot of it.

Then i was in Midtown by J's workplace so we met up during lunch. Did go out last night on what was intended to be that non-date. It was fun and i enjoyed the socialization and company and the talking and the friendliness. - except he caught me off-guard at the end of the night with a kiss, and i was initially not too sure about it but we ended up making out. Oy. I guess it wasn't necessarily bad - i can use the loosening-up, probably deserve the fun, and afterall, it's been a while for me (S kissed me at a rate of about twice a year and had a heart made of ice shards), and the positive attention was pretty nice. I'm not necessarily the most attracted to him physically, but am drawn socially and mentally to him (goofiness and seriousness match pretty well), which is pretty cool. (Either that, or i felt too bad to stop it from happening so i'm justifying things in my mind. I have yet to decide which is the case.) We talked about where this was to go, and we both agreed to keep it fun and casual so that's probably where it'll eventually stop. I just hope that it actually stays fun and light, and that no one ends up changing their mind (for feeling more or feeling less) and getting hurt.

Anyway, so yah, since i was in the City (a rare occasion) and right around the corner from his work this afternoon after parting with D, we met up for lunch, and had another chunk of good time. There is talk of meeting up this weekend, if timing/logistics allow. This shall be extra fun for the following reason.

My supplier finally got back to me yesterday, and i shall be picking up a new batch this evening (and spice up social activities). H's roomie may be my new local buddy to enjoy the stuff with, and J definitely will be if i make it down to the City again. The distance does place a strain on such possibilities so i have to see.

I'm typing this on the train, in a car full of really loud and obnoxious teenagers. The adults (especially the ones who are standing because there aren't enough seats, taken up by said kids) are glaring, but they are either oblivious or don't give a shit. I wonder if i were ever this way in my youth. I may just not have been this social, but they really are irritating.

Well thankfully my stop is coming up in 3 minutes so ima pack up here.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

At Fuel in Wallingford (the one we never got to) to put approximately an hour or so's worth of work. I dropped Joni off in the rain (silly Seattleites, it's pouring and everyone just puts on a coat and hat. No raingear, no (almost no) umbrellas, just walking around wet and miserable). Took stupid routes back across I-5, waited at the longest light ever because of it, and still ended up getting to the hardware store to buy stuff for the garage and kitchen. Although I'm disappointed, I went there to support a local mom & pop business, and their selection and prices sucked as compared to IKEA. I feel bad feeling bad about that, but dude I was frustrated. Ah well, I gave them a shitload of money so that should be a mitzvah, as my kosher peeps would say.

So today I'm going to try to crank out a bit more on the feces, and then later go home and make a more simplistic version of the pasta. Not going to make the gnocchi, just make the sauce & sautee the delicata instead of roasting it for time's sake. I don't have time right now to do massive pumpkin gnocchi from scratch bullshite.

Also, I showered. Yay!

I have to make a list of things that I normally purchase at the grocery store, too. We're tweaking the 'shared food' system so that we don't overspend or have other people pay for stuff they never use. So we're going to see where our purchases actually overlap and use that as a basis. I was like dude we are professional planners, I think we can manage our food purchasing if we're going to be writing masterplans for cities. I love pulling that out. Like people, we have masters degrees in this! We can do it!

I think I totally stole this table from a girl who was eyeing it, but I didn't realize until I was getting set up and she walked away. Now I feel like an asshole. Too late though, we're both all set up. Ah well. Maybe that's my karmic reward for dropping a fitty at Tweedy & Pop's.

Oh by the way, I do very much appreciate the good morning texts! Even if I don't make full use of them I think it does help in a way. I just have to drink more water at night. I'm super dehydrated I think, or at least just not getting enough throughout the day, so if I have a bunch at night it just gets absorbed into my cells, haha. But yeah, big thank you for that, you're awesome.

Tasks and Parents

Woke up before 9:00 - yay. I was surprised because i went to sleep a lot later than i wanted, didn't fall asleep immediately, and it wasn't even the water trick that did it (tried it - either not enough water, or enough time in bed). That puts total sleep hours at <6, but probably not something that a coffee later in the day can't take care of. Gotta hit the sack earlier tonight though.

Just had a run of sudden assplosion myself. Wtf. Long-distance contagious bug! But maybe it was to get stuff running. I'd only been averaging one small meal a day for the last week or so (combined effect of mom avoidance and trying to save money while out) so maybe it was just time for its unorthodox exit strategy.

Dad was home when i got home yesterday, which surprised me because i had thought it was going to be today. After i was already tucked in/lights were out at around 3am, i realized i hadn't tended to the litter box in a few days, and not wanting to get shit for it from the man the next morning, i got out of bed and snuck to the basement to take care of it. Except that it had already been done! Geez, does this guy get off the 14-hour plane ride and have the immediate first thought of cleaning the litter box when he gets home? Actually, i wouldn't be surprised... And the fact that he didn't mention it yesterday at all scares me that it's a silent ticking bomb just waiting to be detonated at the most inopportune timing/situation later on (it's at least something that's most likely silently stressing him out). I'm honestly not that bad about looking after the litter box - just not as compulsive as he is (ie, more litter boxes than the number of cats, cleaned out daily or more often). If my parents just left me alone about such small things that i already have under control (like how my clothes in my drawers should be kept, how i shouldn't be outside the house after dusk, and how many hands should be on the wheel when i drive), i so many things can be so much simpler. But because they butt in, problems that don't exist are created and so are unnecessary stress and friction and seeds of arguments. What's more annoying is that, while i sincerely appreciate being able to live here (i honestly do!), stupid unnecessary shit like this easily translates into me "not being grateful enough", when in fact the two are completely unrelated issues, which then ties into a lot of internal guilt i drag along in life, which has probably caused many issues over the years in terms of my mental health. But i'm just starting to recognize/see/understand this phenomenon, so maybe that's at least a start to do something about it.

About to go run a load of laundry as my first task of the day. Then get dressed warmly to go outside and clean out the car, then maybe some desk work (cover letter). I'll probably call it the day around 3:00 and then hop in the shower and get ready to go out. But i'll be on and offline til then.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Today, Tomorrow, Weekend?

Today i wasn't super productive, but i did:

- locate a copy of Office, to be in my hands by tomorrow evening.
- revise my resume (just need said program to put in the corrections, tweak it a bit more, and it'll be ready).
- write up half my cover letter.

Tomorrow i shall:

- do some house stuff in the morning, like cleaning my room, laundry, clean out car, etc. (library opens late on Thursdays anyway so that works)
- try to finish up cover letter
- pick up James at the station in the early evening and go out for dinner.

On another note, though the end of the week is fast approaching, i wouldn't mind carrying through with this solidarity streak into the weekend since it's been working pretty well. Maybe not full days, maybe not both days (library closed on Sundays anyway) but since i at least feel the motivation/momentum right now, i'm alright with not killing it. Plus i did plenty of playing/sleeping last weekend, plus i totally took Monday off, so i'm feeling a-okay about doing some work over the weekend. Not sure what your thoughts are on this, but if you're down, feel free to join.

And with that, coffee shop is now closed so i'm heading home.

More Kitties
I left the house about an hour ago, stopped to get myself a coffee and a bagel, and snuck it into the library where i am now set up. Did the morning online routine check (email/FaceBook/Blogger), sent you a wake-up text, and am about to start off the day with an entry here.

Didn't wake up as early as i wanted, but didn't go to bed as early as i wanted either. Had an almost-3-hour convo with A., said chick that pissed me off with her email a few days ago. She told me yesterday that she wanted to talk. It wasn't the most fun of conversations, but okay. I think she was quite glad at the end of it, i thought i was too, though i also woke up with some questions about it/wasn't really sure if she got me 100%. She is sweet but kind of a difficult person to talk to, because she thinks everything in emotional terms and also holds very naive/idealistic views that she is very inflexible with. (For instance, her main concern was being butt hurt for having been "left out" of the whole ordeal when it went down, which i thought was rather self-centered. I repeatedly told her that it side-swiped me just as much and if she wanted to have been included in the drama (i kind of understand why she wasn't), she needs to talk to those who did the planning and not me - but she's too emotionally caught up in this to hear it. Like "no, i just don't believe that they'd be like that to me, i just can't accept that". Oy. THIS WASN'T ABOUT YOU.) Overall though, she seemed happier at the end of the convo than the beginning and said she was glad she called me, so i guess that's worth something.

I do remember getting a headache somewhere during that conversation, which i went to bed with, which might explain part of the exhaustion. I'm still having some amount of difficulty falling asleep closer to normal hours, and that combined with opening/closing the bedroom door for the cats whenever they ask (door is being kept closed to avoid mommage) has made for less-than-optimal sleep. Still something to work on.

Anyway, so today's to-do list.

- At some point, get up the gumption to check Yahoo! mail where ex-mail was sent from yesterday, though getting a response isn't too important, definitely not pressing in terms of time, and maybe i can wait a few more days. Or perhaps it's better that i don't read anything from him at all. I don't know. Wouldn't til i read it.
- Never finished cleaning the room. Being that tomorrow's the day i have the non-date and also dad's coming back from Japan, i should clean the room so not to give him (dad) something to bitch about / do laundry so i have clean clothes. I know i will be out beyond the time he likes me out, so i'm already anticipating the post-7pm 10-minute interval phone calls, which will undoubtedly embarrass me in front of my non-date.
- I should work on the feces today. I haven't worked on the writing in a while, but i'd like to be done with it someday so i can one day fling it at my advisor. As for the issue regarding Word - my partial solution is that the computers at this library have it. Upon a quick check though, they seem to limit log-in time to 30 minutes, which is pretty lame. I'll have to see how re-login works (if it just prompts me to push a continue button, or if it locks me out for a while) and if this would be too disruptive to the flow of work.
- A number of emails still await my responding.
- Stupid Direct Loans people may still be getting me into undeserved credit trouble, (i started getting mail again) so that needs a follow-up.
- Stupid landlord/renter from my apartment in Ithaca is STILL lagging on returning my security deposit from now 3 months ago, and giving me BS about losing my last check and whatnot. Also need to check with these f*tards.
- Stupid grievance letter still needs to be completed and sent to the Ombudsman for review. This will also require use of Word, so it's likely i won't get to it today.
- Stupid (other) ex owes me at least a grand. This has also been in the back of my mind as something i should do something about. Facing another high-stress email does not entice me.

Alright, i'm obviously starting to get disgruntled and negative and stressed out so i'll stop. I'm starting to waste time here (yours too) so i'll start with that list and see where i get to today.

One more to-do item to hopefully alter my mood for the better:
- start on the application to that job posting from yesterday. Due date is 11/16 - but i want to avoid being a last-minute submitter on this one.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My favorite lolcat

This picture kills me. Kills. So amazing.
Aw shit, well when I'm not doing anything I have no urge to broadcast it. But! I will add this to my iGoogle homepage so that I know when you've posted and can comment, and it will prompt me. Yes.

Today I set my alarm for 7:30, hit snooze with prejudice until 8:30, then spent 90 minutes or so fucking around on the webs. Downstairs, breakfast, chatted with Grace, hit the road and went to Wayward cafe, where the barista had shaved her head for Halloween (Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta - dedication!).

Went through more of my sources about the Netherlands and floods, found out that a couple of them are no help whatsoever. Also found some good ones about the US but I'm scared to look at those for now, so I think I'm going to try to write the whole Netherlands part, see how that goes, then switch to the US when that's done.

I'm lacking in some sources about some things, I think, but have to double check. Might have more in print.

Worked from 10:30ish until 5ish, with some breaks for tomfoolery, chatting, etc. But for the most part really nose-to-grindstone. Added 5-10 pages of quotes & notes. Still need to make with the writing.

Then finally emptied the melted ice out of the cooler, hauled it downstairs and loaded the fridge up with the leftover beer cans. Holy shitty beer festival Batman.

Aaaand I noticed that the pumpkins had gone bad apparently very quickly and were disintegrating into the cooking magazines onto which they had been stacked, and mentioned I'd need some assistance getting them outside. Then thought to myself, hey, my awesome Eric pumpkin isn't rotting, I can still take pictures! Fast forward an hour, suddenly the pumpkins are gone because Joni just threw them out without asking for help. Mixed emotions: awesome that she took on that disgusting task, really sad that I got no pumpkin pictures, and I feel like an ass for not helping. So thanks Joni, I hate you, you're awesome!

Also: dinner tonight was delicious.

Monday, November 2, 2009

for Tuesday, November 3rd.

Hey you, yah you, WB, where are you? I'm totally talking to myself on this thing! :)

Alright alright, for realz now. This is what i intend on doing tomorrow (Tuesday), Jour de Solidarite` (made-up Francais).

- wake up around 7am (or somewheres in the single digits would be impressive).
- shower, get dressed, get ready, go to cafe. More impressive if this also happens in the single digits.

- send ex-mail. done. out. over.
- fix up thesis lit review draft to email. This poses some difficulties in that i still haven't gotten a copy of Word. It's a bit long that i don't know if i want to mess with it in Google Docs. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
- respond to accumulated emails because i've been a jackass with blowing off probably about half a dozen people.
- as time permits, translate letter (more on that later).
- check up on enrollment stat with Direct Loans.

PS: I will be signed onto gtalk, but as "invisible". This is because i know that if i log in normally, i'll be chatting with James all day, and as enjoyable as that is, i have wasted the vast majority of my time that i'm online talking with him. He will just have to be bored in his cubicle and save up all the chatting for our meet. I cannot feel guilty about this!! Anyway, yah, so fyi even if i look like i'm not online, i most likely am and am accessible.
Today i:

- started the day off late. Again.
- am currently cleaning the room (much overdue). This is my first task of the day.
- not sure where i will go afterward. I could go out to do work, but that means i should shower. This is a problem because 1) i'll need another hour and a half before i can feel clean/presentable enough to head out, and 2) showering this afternoon will throw off my shower schedule. I am surprised/disappointed in myself for #2 being a valid concern, but it is.
- realize that i seem to have a particularly high occurrence of interpersonal issues as compared to most people - arguments, misunderstandings, fall outs - involving everyone from romantic partners, friends, to family members... all at once. On bad days this makes me feel like a complete freak. On good days, i spend most of my energy trying to convince myself otherwise. But none of the days have i yet been able to figure out what's going on and/or what the hell is wrong with me.

Anyway, that last one made it on this pseudo to-do list because that takes up a lot of my time and energy tending to. In fact, it consumes most of what i've got the majority of the time and takes away from the other things i need to get done too. Then i start stressing and freaking out about everything feeling like an avalanche, and i just shut my eyes and ball myself up into a corner again.