Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Mornings and Food.

Another day, another fight.  I feel like I've become a different kind of non morning-person now.  Before it used to mean that I had difficulty waking up.  Now I don't have that issue so much, I wake up before my alarm most mornings in fact, but I just do not feel well during this portion of the day.  I know it's not unusual, but just that when it's particularly bad it makes me feel like I'm reset to square one every morning and the first thing I have to do if I want to do anything with the day is build myself back up to a minimally-functional state.

Today it took me about two hours from wake-up time to here.  That included showering, getting dressed, and making coffee.  I do still have to make and eat breakfast.

I've really been trying to eat better the last several days.  I'm fairly certain I'm severely lacking in some nutrients and I've been reading up on what they might be.  I realized that I'm finding it actually quite distracting and inconvenient to have to stop at least three times during the day to make sure I make/find and eat as much food as I can get down.  Then I thought, how did this used to be second nature, a necessity even, to me?  I don't even ever remember it being such a struggle and nuisance, I used to look forward to cooking and eating.  Last time I went grocery shopping, I went with a list of foods high in tryptophan and all that good stuff that's supposed to make people feel better.  They included some things I particularly don't care for, like vanilla yogurt (the only brand of yogurt that I somewhat enjoy was out of my flavor, maple, and vanilla was the only flavor that had maple syrup in it - even though I really don't like vanilla...  nor yogurt...).  I also picked up some organic bananas.  All these mushy foods that I usually avoid because they require me to concentrate while eating in order not to gag.  The other day I bought a breakfast bagel in the morning to "kick-start" the day.  It took me five hours to finish it.  I stuff food down, crying.  Then I cry some more about how pitiful I feel that I'm crying about something so simple as eating.  Then I cry for the guilt I feel of having such a ridiculously 'privileged' issue (I'm complaining because I didn't get my favorite flavor of yogurt?!).  I don't even know.  Since eating more, each morning I've woken up to stomach aches and intestinal rejections, while my head's not feeling all that much better, so I'm not sure if it's even working.  I guess I'll just keep eating to see.

I know it's kind of silly to be writing here about something so mundane as eating, but it's something that is on my to-do list right along with the thesis stuff.  I want to get better, and I believe that I need to tend to and regulate my physical health as part of it.  I also have to start feeling better about what I am getting done and not feeling so shitty about what I'm not yet able to do.

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