Hullo, and long time no post.
I should be doing some work tonight, as i have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow morning. I am having some difficulty pushing myself tonight, i also have a mild headache that is making me lethargic, so i figured i'd start here, organize my thoughts, collect myself, and see if from there i become somewhat motivated to go on to tackling the mandatories.
My parents are leaving for Japan in 2 days, likely for the next 2-3 months. I have yet to really grasp this reality - it is so much freedom that i don't exactly know what to do with myself. I am intending on making the most of it, since i know that if i don't go into it with the mental commitment, i'll end up hibernating the entire time. The plan is to try to get in 30 hours of work every week, at either a library or coffeeshop. "Work" involves either thesis work or job hunting. Aside from that, i'd like to make sure to get a few other things done every week, including: going to the gym, going to yoga, having real weekends, volunteering (at a friend's organic farm), eating breakfast, cleaning the house (my parents' and client's), etc. The other thing i want to strive for is having a somewhat normal sleep schedule through the weekdays. I know that if i actually hit the sack at/before midnight, i don't have *as much* difficulty getting up. It's just that keeping myself in check when there is no workplace or classroom or other forms of reporting to people, it becomes very very difficult to stay on top of it and stay disciplined. I might go back to reporting my progress here in hopes of helping with that.
Aside from that, latest pieces of news are:
- Chestnuts were made into chestnut creme - trial #1 went well and trial #2 turned out even better. Jars of the stuff are being distributed amongst family friends and so far no one has died so that's good.
- I got a FB message from Da, my old boyfriend from now 12 years ago (we rarely contact each other). In it, he told me that he recently had a random dream about us. This was weird enough since i also randomly had a dream about the two of us a few months ago, out of nowhere. He then told me about his, which turned out to be crazy because it was basically the same exact dream that i had. Both dreams were particularly vivid and emotionally-charged, and the scenario was that we were getting married to each other, but i was being hesitant about the wedding and trying to get out. It was as though we were both in the same dream, just from different perspectives. Weirdness. But i'm glad he shared it since without that we wouldn't have found out about our overlapping experience. :p
- A friend forwarded me a job posting today - which has particularly piqued my interest considering it seems pretty doable and ideal. It's working as an English tutor for Japanese students (K-12). I meet the requirements, the hours are flexible, the location is 10 minutes away, and pay is pretty decent at $18 an hour. It certainly pays better than cleaning, aside from that gig this'd be the first paycheck i've gotten in almost 2 years, and intensive language teaching is something i've basically been doing with my dad for the past 6 months. Applying for it is on my current to-do list, possibly for tonight if all else goes well.
- I currently have a crush on this architect:
http://archinect.com/features/article.php?id=80820_0_23_0_M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-bM5xO-5NE
That picture reminds me a little of our old roomie Jamie (but not as bitchy), but i think he kind of looks like a super hot version of Matt LeBlanc. I look at people like him and realize that the notion of all men being created equal is a crock of shit. He's half Turkish, just 33, 6'2", Ivy-League educated, a former actor, singer, and model, but most of all, is actually a successful architect (at least in terms of being good enough to have his own TV show) and as if i hadn't creamed my undies yet - he's left-handed to boot. (Of course, given the above and my own history, i would probably guess that he's also gay.)
Okay wow, it's 10pm. I've had my little Japanese energy drink, my thoughts have been somewhat sifted through, so ima try hittin them books. Ttfn.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
My Heart
The first half of yesterday was a pretty decent day. I met up with Anne to work at Starbucks. I was meeting up with James later in the day so i had been looking forward to that, got dressed up a little bit, was in a happy mood, plus had a great time hanging out with Anne to boot.
To update, James and i have been seeing each other a bit/getting a lot closer as of late. It's been two weeks since we first met up. The first week in particular, despite the distance, we saw each other almost everyday. On Veteran's Day when he had the day off, i went to his home and we hung out together all day. I even felt comfortable/connected enough that we slept together. I did have my reservations about him in the beginning, but through spending time together, we warmed up so quickly. He just seems different - well-adjusted, reasonable, compassionate, insightful, and just kind-hearted. Definitely unique in many regards, and there's something about him that makes me feel "safe", that it lets me open up, let my guards down, and connect with him. He's now become the first person i talk to every morning, talk/chat/text with throughout the day, and video chat every night before going to bed. The second week (this past week) we hadn't seen each other in a while, and he said he missed me so much that he just couldn't wait so he wanted to come up from the City just to see me. That was last night. I picked him up at the station after work and we went out to dinner. We were both so giddy to see each other, it was kind of ridiculous.
During dinner, he asked me about my past relationships, that he knows there are things from my past that are affecting me now, saying that he wanted to know more about me. So, i did - about my deep issues in relationships and with men, about things that have happened in the past, the icky private stuff, everything. I knew from the ways we've talked in the past that i could trust him not to judge or see me differently, that this would only be a positive step, that ultimately this would deepen our relationship and understanding of each other and let us connect more.
Then, he told me that last weekend he slept with someone else.
God, i'm such a F'N idiot. Why why why why why. This is just what i get for opening up - every time i do, i get slapped in the face for it, but i'm so dumb that i never learn. I've failed to protect myself, again. And i can't even really legitimatize being upset or feeling hurt about this because we weren't exactly bf-gf. It was just me, getting attached, so i have to accept that. A few nights ago when i went stargazing, Anne's friend (who's interested in me) was trying to get close, but i couldn't even consider reciprocating, with respect to James. But it was so easy for James to just fuck someone else in the meantime.
After he went home last night, we chatted til 6:30 this morning. I need to end this now, hell it already is over, but it hurts and i just want to talk to him, which i know is just sick. And he is so remorseful about it, and he keeps messaging. He is telling me that he has never felt like a bigger failure than to have done what he did. That he didn't see what he had in front of him and ran away for his fear of commitment. But that he actually loves me. He thinks i'm "the one". This is only messing me up further, and i am confused why he can say such things. It only sounds like a cop-out cover up to have your cake and eat it too. To admit his true feelings toward me, he says that the thought of me cuddling with someone else makes him jealous - but that of course only stabs me more that he could think that and then also go sleep with someone else so easily, especially after we already had. I simply cannot see what he did and also believe what he says.
So i know i have to walk away. But it f'n sucks. I feel numb for the most part, with bouts of hurt. I also feel like the biggest moron. I just should've gone with my first impression/instincts, and just never have gotten involved or thought that, with him, i could trust.
To update, James and i have been seeing each other a bit/getting a lot closer as of late. It's been two weeks since we first met up. The first week in particular, despite the distance, we saw each other almost everyday. On Veteran's Day when he had the day off, i went to his home and we hung out together all day. I even felt comfortable/connected enough that we slept together. I did have my reservations about him in the beginning, but through spending time together, we warmed up so quickly. He just seems different - well-adjusted, reasonable, compassionate, insightful, and just kind-hearted. Definitely unique in many regards, and there's something about him that makes me feel "safe", that it lets me open up, let my guards down, and connect with him. He's now become the first person i talk to every morning, talk/chat/text with throughout the day, and video chat every night before going to bed. The second week (this past week) we hadn't seen each other in a while, and he said he missed me so much that he just couldn't wait so he wanted to come up from the City just to see me. That was last night. I picked him up at the station after work and we went out to dinner. We were both so giddy to see each other, it was kind of ridiculous.
During dinner, he asked me about my past relationships, that he knows there are things from my past that are affecting me now, saying that he wanted to know more about me. So, i did - about my deep issues in relationships and with men, about things that have happened in the past, the icky private stuff, everything. I knew from the ways we've talked in the past that i could trust him not to judge or see me differently, that this would only be a positive step, that ultimately this would deepen our relationship and understanding of each other and let us connect more.
Then, he told me that last weekend he slept with someone else.
God, i'm such a F'N idiot. Why why why why why. This is just what i get for opening up - every time i do, i get slapped in the face for it, but i'm so dumb that i never learn. I've failed to protect myself, again. And i can't even really legitimatize being upset or feeling hurt about this because we weren't exactly bf-gf. It was just me, getting attached, so i have to accept that. A few nights ago when i went stargazing, Anne's friend (who's interested in me) was trying to get close, but i couldn't even consider reciprocating, with respect to James. But it was so easy for James to just fuck someone else in the meantime.
After he went home last night, we chatted til 6:30 this morning. I need to end this now, hell it already is over, but it hurts and i just want to talk to him, which i know is just sick. And he is so remorseful about it, and he keeps messaging. He is telling me that he has never felt like a bigger failure than to have done what he did. That he didn't see what he had in front of him and ran away for his fear of commitment. But that he actually loves me. He thinks i'm "the one". This is only messing me up further, and i am confused why he can say such things. It only sounds like a cop-out cover up to have your cake and eat it too. To admit his true feelings toward me, he says that the thought of me cuddling with someone else makes him jealous - but that of course only stabs me more that he could think that and then also go sleep with someone else so easily, especially after we already had. I simply cannot see what he did and also believe what he says.
So i know i have to walk away. But it f'n sucks. I feel numb for the most part, with bouts of hurt. I also feel like the biggest moron. I just should've gone with my first impression/instincts, and just never have gotten involved or thought that, with him, i could trust.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Weekend Musings
Went to sleep last night pretty late (~4:30), but of course, no sleeping in these days, weekday or weekend. I was up ~9:00, but whoosh, it's the afternoon and i'm just really getting settled and started. Where the morning went, i have no idea, but hopefully i can still make something of the rest of this day.
Okay, that bit was from yesterday (Saturday). The rest of the day was spent by:
- lunch with Howie and Chris (got picked up, hence the interruption above)
- random outings (Costco, then trying to track down a kid who Chris sold something to online and whose check bounced. The attempt was unsuccessful only ending with a "I don't want to go court over this" note on their door, but that's about the extent of excitement and adventure here in Westchester.
- home for a bit, eating collected scrapings for dinner while hiding in my bedroom. I've been eating this way for about the last 3 weeks.
- sent in job app - YES.
- screwed around online / tended to a little knitting and material organization, updated ravelry.
- around 10:30 when i was already in my pjs, Howie called with an invite to go bowling. The spontaneous plan ended up being lots of fun (though i sat out for the games to save money), and more surprisingly, no phone calls from home! And we even went out to eat afterward and i stayed out til ~1:30. I think i might've found a new way of sneaking out - later at night when i can make it look like i'm already in bed. This tactic has worked once and failed once, so i shall reexamine the details and see what made it successful this time around...
Anyway, new day. Spent 2.5 hours of my afternoon on the phone with car insurance people, and though i feel like i've been mildly productive with my day thus far, i look down and realize i'm still in my pjs. As far as the coverage status goes - apparently, i was deducted for six months back in June (when my card was still valid) so i was covered all through til December after all. This was the good news. The bad news started when i tried to update my address. It turns out that my premium increased because of the move, which i somewhat expected, but it was from 317 to 600-something. As if that wasn't enough, they then asked me that "who else lives in your new household?" question. Since it was posed much more casually than that, i didn't think much about it and told them i live with my parents. Then they start asking me for their names, coverage status, insurer, driver's license info... When i told them i don't have any of that on hand right now, they quoted me for $2800 or some BS as such. Me and my big mouth - but at this point it wasn't as though i could tell them that "no wait, i mean, i DON'T live with my parents. Or anyone." I told them that there's no way i'd be able to pay that much, and even if i provided the info to bring it down to the 600s, neither did i want to go through the hassle of finding all this info and faxing it and whatnot, when even with it my rate was jumping 200% because my zip code changed. It's really too bad that they have this new (?) procedure now because they just lost a customer of 7+ years. I shopped around for others, and it turns out that no one else asks for that info! (Heart that that may only have happened because of a *change* in address, but ito doesn't with new quotes). And, it even turns out that i found someone else for $235, which was a lot cheaper than what i started with. Heh. Well, at least that makes me feel better about spending the whole afternoon with this ordeal. I am cancelling the original policy and getting a refund for the unused portion, while i'm also already set with payments on the new policy for the next 6 months.
In other news, i've been really good with my abstinence. Okay, it's only been 3 days, but a completely clean and honest 3 days at that. Not even a cigarette to compensate. The weekend was a hump of course with all the social outings and recreational domestic activities, but if i get through today, i'm hoping that i'll hear back from the job relatively soon in the coming week because that would strengthen my resolve. If i don't, then it'll be an indefinite length of time, but at least that'll give my system more time to cleanse out.
Okay, that bit was from yesterday (Saturday). The rest of the day was spent by:
- lunch with Howie and Chris (got picked up, hence the interruption above)
- random outings (Costco, then trying to track down a kid who Chris sold something to online and whose check bounced. The attempt was unsuccessful only ending with a "I don't want to go court over this" note on their door, but that's about the extent of excitement and adventure here in Westchester.
- home for a bit, eating collected scrapings for dinner while hiding in my bedroom. I've been eating this way for about the last 3 weeks.
- sent in job app - YES.
- screwed around online / tended to a little knitting and material organization, updated ravelry.
- around 10:30 when i was already in my pjs, Howie called with an invite to go bowling. The spontaneous plan ended up being lots of fun (though i sat out for the games to save money), and more surprisingly, no phone calls from home! And we even went out to eat afterward and i stayed out til ~1:30. I think i might've found a new way of sneaking out - later at night when i can make it look like i'm already in bed. This tactic has worked once and failed once, so i shall reexamine the details and see what made it successful this time around...
Anyway, new day. Spent 2.5 hours of my afternoon on the phone with car insurance people, and though i feel like i've been mildly productive with my day thus far, i look down and realize i'm still in my pjs. As far as the coverage status goes - apparently, i was deducted for six months back in June (when my card was still valid) so i was covered all through til December after all. This was the good news. The bad news started when i tried to update my address. It turns out that my premium increased because of the move, which i somewhat expected, but it was from 317 to 600-something. As if that wasn't enough, they then asked me that "who else lives in your new household?" question. Since it was posed much more casually than that, i didn't think much about it and told them i live with my parents. Then they start asking me for their names, coverage status, insurer, driver's license info... When i told them i don't have any of that on hand right now, they quoted me for $2800 or some BS as such. Me and my big mouth - but at this point it wasn't as though i could tell them that "no wait, i mean, i DON'T live with my parents. Or anyone." I told them that there's no way i'd be able to pay that much, and even if i provided the info to bring it down to the 600s, neither did i want to go through the hassle of finding all this info and faxing it and whatnot, when even with it my rate was jumping 200% because my zip code changed. It's really too bad that they have this new (?) procedure now because they just lost a customer of 7+ years. I shopped around for others, and it turns out that no one else asks for that info! (Heart that that may only have happened because of a *change* in address, but ito doesn't with new quotes). And, it even turns out that i found someone else for $235, which was a lot cheaper than what i started with. Heh. Well, at least that makes me feel better about spending the whole afternoon with this ordeal. I am cancelling the original policy and getting a refund for the unused portion, while i'm also already set with payments on the new policy for the next 6 months.
In other news, i've been really good with my abstinence. Okay, it's only been 3 days, but a completely clean and honest 3 days at that. Not even a cigarette to compensate. The weekend was a hump of course with all the social outings and recreational domestic activities, but if i get through today, i'm hoping that i'll hear back from the job relatively soon in the coming week because that would strengthen my resolve. If i don't, then it'll be an indefinite length of time, but at least that'll give my system more time to cleanse out.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
3-in-1 Post!
((from Wednesday when i spent the day in Brooklyn, written offline))
I set my alarm for 7:00 this morning, but woke up at 5:50 (and quite easily, at that). I considered staying up to just catch an earlier train into the City to maximize stay time, but decided that the original plan was f*n early enough. Got into Grand Central earlier than James who was going to meet me there, so decided to just follow the directions and go all the way to his hood, and was surprised to be there by 10:00. That was about an hour and a half from home to northern Brooklyn (noted to self for possible future commute route travel time). That's still freakin' long, and it won't be that much cheaper because transportation ended up costing $30 including the subway. If i worked 22 days a month, that would cost me $660, totally defeating the purpose of saving rent (especially at the expense of my sanity) - okay, one vote in for moving, one less vote for commuting to Brooklyn from Westchester (jury's still out re: Manhattan). So if i get a job in Brooklyn, i'm definitely moving there - unless i want to be spending 3 hours and $30 everyday on the train. No thanks.
James had a nice apartment i could see myself living in. Well, by that, i mean that it was furnished decently and the amenities were clean-looking/nice/updated. However, he does have 3 other roommates, and has a room the size of a closet (and without a closet) for almost $700. And he says he "lucked out". Sheet. How is it that SF was so much cheaper to live in? I'm not a student in my early 20s anymore. I don't want that many roommates, not for that price anyway. So the current resolution i'm brewing is to find a spacious can-be-two bedroom apartment for somewhere around or a little over a grand, and then maybe ask James if he'd be my roommate (the set-up can only work with someone who'd be okay with slightly more intimate joint space usage than with total strangers, where this wouldn't cause any setbacks, only enticing perks like cheaper rent and enjoyable company and food sharing). From what i've gotten to know about him, we'll probably get along okay, he's not opposed to cats, has a job, and we have similar tastes in entertainment and hobbies, as well as dietary, domestic, and financial needs. I shall look.
As for the hangout, i had a pretty good time. Of course, as i had feared, more work got done in half of the morning train ride than during all the rest of the day combined, but it was still nice nonetheless (just REALLY need to kick my ass the rest of the week, for F*s sake). When i got there, James cooked me a vegetarian breakfast which was sweet, and we hung out, me on my computer and him on his unfinished scarf... But then eventually out comes the offer of the pipe (which i don't think i have ever refused in a social setting - it's like an automatic "mmmm, ok!", never actually passing through my brain for review.) The act of course contains us in a closed room, and then things naturally went (again) further than i had planned on. Mmm. I'm still glad to have had a nice time with him today, but am now feeling that familiar antsiness/uneasiness. I realize that i tend to feel this way whenever i start to get myself into a physical relationship with someone. I get very worrisome and scared and uncertain, fretting and twitchy, craving company and reassurance. It is anxiety (about whether or not what i did was the wrong thing), and dread (of possibly realizing that i had done the wrong thing), and guilt (of anything and everything i could possibly feel bad about). Just, generally very icky and distressful. It's really the manifestations of ghosts from various past experiences, i know. It's just still unpleasant, but if James is a decent and mature person (which i think he is), i think i should be calming down in time.
********************
Okay, i am now at the library, which will be open late tonight (til 8pm). I plan on being here til then, or close to closing anyway.
This morning at the bagel shop (because the library opens late on Thursdays), i worked on that dang cover letter. I just have so much to write about all the ways i think i'm qualified for this job (really, it's rare to find something with this much match, but i might be saying *too* much), and i am just about finishing it up. It's dawning on me how fast the last week has gone. I had originally found this job posting at a timing when i thought i could get my application in early. Somehow i managed to piss away all that cushion time and now just have a day til the weekend before the deadline, not even much time to do a follow up (i'll probably just wait til after the deadline to do that, which i guess is still okay). Anyway, so today's priority is to get this done and hopefully get it in by tomorrow, end of today would be great.
If i do get that in today, i would like to spend tomorrow on fixing and submitting my fecal draft. But i'll worry about that tomorrow.
Aside from job stuff and school stuff, there are a few personal stuff that have been awaiting my attention on the back burner. James sent me a bunch of apartment postings so i should check those out (though he only sends me sublet postings for some reason, so they may or may not be usable). I still have a bunch of emails to catch up on, and a few stressful phone calls i need to make. I'm not seeing the phone calls happening today since i'll be at the library during remaining business hours, but maybe i'll do the emails today, phone calls tomorrow. But application first and foremost. Employment. Income. Independence. Yay.
********************
So... i'm at the library, arrived not more than 30 minutes ago. I looked up at a presence that was shuffling toward me - and realized it was my mother. She wordlessly set down a bag of food next to me, winked, and left.
As kind and considerate as the gesture was, i cannot help feeling a tad bit creeped out by my parents' recent behavior.
I am finding myself having much difficulty understanding why they cannot just leave me alone. Are they being extreme, or am i just bothered because i am oh so very *good* at leaving everyone and everything alone in my life (as in, procrastinating and not responding to people and never following up on anything)? And how is it that we are so drastically different? I guess it may be a combination of both, but i'm fairly certain they are not normal either...
I set my alarm for 7:00 this morning, but woke up at 5:50 (and quite easily, at that). I considered staying up to just catch an earlier train into the City to maximize stay time, but decided that the original plan was f*n early enough. Got into Grand Central earlier than James who was going to meet me there, so decided to just follow the directions and go all the way to his hood, and was surprised to be there by 10:00. That was about an hour and a half from home to northern Brooklyn (noted to self for possible future commute route travel time). That's still freakin' long, and it won't be that much cheaper because transportation ended up costing $30 including the subway. If i worked 22 days a month, that would cost me $660, totally defeating the purpose of saving rent (especially at the expense of my sanity) - okay, one vote in for moving, one less vote for commuting to Brooklyn from Westchester (jury's still out re: Manhattan). So if i get a job in Brooklyn, i'm definitely moving there - unless i want to be spending 3 hours and $30 everyday on the train. No thanks.
James had a nice apartment i could see myself living in. Well, by that, i mean that it was furnished decently and the amenities were clean-looking/nice/updated. However, he does have 3 other roommates, and has a room the size of a closet (and without a closet) for almost $700. And he says he "lucked out". Sheet. How is it that SF was so much cheaper to live in? I'm not a student in my early 20s anymore. I don't want that many roommates, not for that price anyway. So the current resolution i'm brewing is to find a spacious can-be-two bedroom apartment for somewhere around or a little over a grand, and then maybe ask James if he'd be my roommate (the set-up can only work with someone who'd be okay with slightly more intimate joint space usage than with total strangers, where this wouldn't cause any setbacks, only enticing perks like cheaper rent and enjoyable company and food sharing). From what i've gotten to know about him, we'll probably get along okay, he's not opposed to cats, has a job, and we have similar tastes in entertainment and hobbies, as well as dietary, domestic, and financial needs. I shall look.
As for the hangout, i had a pretty good time. Of course, as i had feared, more work got done in half of the morning train ride than during all the rest of the day combined, but it was still nice nonetheless (just REALLY need to kick my ass the rest of the week, for F*s sake). When i got there, James cooked me a vegetarian breakfast which was sweet, and we hung out, me on my computer and him on his unfinished scarf... But then eventually out comes the offer of the pipe (which i don't think i have ever refused in a social setting - it's like an automatic "mmmm, ok!", never actually passing through my brain for review.) The act of course contains us in a closed room, and then things naturally went (again) further than i had planned on. Mmm. I'm still glad to have had a nice time with him today, but am now feeling that familiar antsiness/uneasiness. I realize that i tend to feel this way whenever i start to get myself into a physical relationship with someone. I get very worrisome and scared and uncertain, fretting and twitchy, craving company and reassurance. It is anxiety (about whether or not what i did was the wrong thing), and dread (of possibly realizing that i had done the wrong thing), and guilt (of anything and everything i could possibly feel bad about). Just, generally very icky and distressful. It's really the manifestations of ghosts from various past experiences, i know. It's just still unpleasant, but if James is a decent and mature person (which i think he is), i think i should be calming down in time.
********************
Okay, i am now at the library, which will be open late tonight (til 8pm). I plan on being here til then, or close to closing anyway.
This morning at the bagel shop (because the library opens late on Thursdays), i worked on that dang cover letter. I just have so much to write about all the ways i think i'm qualified for this job (really, it's rare to find something with this much match, but i might be saying *too* much), and i am just about finishing it up. It's dawning on me how fast the last week has gone. I had originally found this job posting at a timing when i thought i could get my application in early. Somehow i managed to piss away all that cushion time and now just have a day til the weekend before the deadline, not even much time to do a follow up (i'll probably just wait til after the deadline to do that, which i guess is still okay). Anyway, so today's priority is to get this done and hopefully get it in by tomorrow, end of today would be great.
If i do get that in today, i would like to spend tomorrow on fixing and submitting my fecal draft. But i'll worry about that tomorrow.
Aside from job stuff and school stuff, there are a few personal stuff that have been awaiting my attention on the back burner. James sent me a bunch of apartment postings so i should check those out (though he only sends me sublet postings for some reason, so they may or may not be usable). I still have a bunch of emails to catch up on, and a few stressful phone calls i need to make. I'm not seeing the phone calls happening today since i'll be at the library during remaining business hours, but maybe i'll do the emails today, phone calls tomorrow. But application first and foremost. Employment. Income. Independence. Yay.
********************
So... i'm at the library, arrived not more than 30 minutes ago. I looked up at a presence that was shuffling toward me - and realized it was my mother. She wordlessly set down a bag of food next to me, winked, and left.
As kind and considerate as the gesture was, i cannot help feeling a tad bit creeped out by my parents' recent behavior.
I am finding myself having much difficulty understanding why they cannot just leave me alone. Are they being extreme, or am i just bothered because i am oh so very *good* at leaving everyone and everything alone in my life (as in, procrastinating and not responding to people and never following up on anything)? And how is it that we are so drastically different? I guess it may be a combination of both, but i'm fairly certain they are not normal either...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Egg and Cheese
I'm sitting at the local mom's and pop's deli/bagel shop on the way to the library, working through my egg and cheese on a toasted everything bagel breakfast sandwich and a hefty bucket of caffeine. The salt on the bagel and sugar in my coffee have both been added a bit too generously, but i'm still enjoying this space and time so very grounded in the heart of the Village of Ardsley. It's a Tuesday late morning, and most of the occupants of the joint are old rich white people. (Well, i'm certain of two of those things, and assuming about the other considering it's midday midweek and they're sitting in casual clothes in no apparent rush to go anywhere.) This of course excludes myself, and the Latina girl sitting next to me poring over J. Lo tabloids, and the middle-aged Asian couple that assembled my breakfast for me. Seated at the table immediately to my right are two quintessential Westchester Old Ladies. Even this quintessence of theirs makes them endearing to me - there's something strangely heartwarming and uplifting about the ability to live over 80 years without once losing hold of that rigid snobbish hautiness, that seeming bitterness only deepening with age. This variety of WCOL isn't quite as irritating as the pair i've seen at Panera: the identical real-life versions of Patty and Selma who glare and point at you all through their stay, commenting on everything from your race to your jewelry. This morning's duo isn't as menacing - though they seem to share this tradition of social observation and accompanying audible comments of everything and everyone they see in the restaurant. I sat down and they started talking about my bag. The girl to my left got up with her phone and they talked about her techniques of texting and which fingers are to be used. I didn't even notice how i had adjusted my seating position, until they started talking about how they used to be able to sit in their younger years the way i'm sitting with my legs crossed, and who of their neighbors and relatives can sit like me. Then for a while they talked about who in their neighbors and relatives are left-handed. I think now they're talking about the woman that just came in carrying her terrier, and who in their neighbors and relatives have a dog like that. I wonder if in my old age: 1) i'd still have teeth strong enough to keep eating NY bagels, 2) i will be able to reach a state of peace and contentment and satisfaction in every part of my life that all i have to talk about are mundane details of others' affairs, 3) lose my hearing to the point where i am no longer aware of the fact that i'm talking about surrounding strangers while seated 12 inches from them.
Anyway, these are the musings from this morning. I just realized it's well past noon - i'm going to drop you a text and head over to the library!
Anyway, these are the musings from this morning. I just realized it's well past noon - i'm going to drop you a text and head over to the library!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Hard drives and pierogis
So today I woke up super late. On the rag, outside is super rainy - it's just not going to happen. I came downstairs just before NOON, shivery, started a major fire, ate yummy leftovers and talked with Grace. Then just as I sit down and start fucking around on the 'net (in hopeful pre-thesis mode), there's a thump at the door, and I realize... it's my hard drive!
I bought a terabyte hard drive on Friday, was hoping it would get delivered on Saturday but they were all "your shipping address is different than your billing address durr hurr" so they fucked it up awesomely, so here it is today. Then of course that takes up several hours of me playing with my new toy. Finally around 4ish I realize that pierogi making is going to be a Production so I figure I start early so they'll be ready early, and we can just boil and fry them up when it's dinner time. Well fast forward 4 hours later, and between the beet & chickpea salad, doing a double batch of pierogi (half to save for later), sending Grace to the store for Tofutti Sour Supreme, and Joni making gingered greens, plus carmelizing onions and figuring out how to boil, drain, and fry the pierogi in the right times was... whew. Anyway they turned out great, a little chewy but good, and people all enjoyed them.
Tomorrow I really REALLY need to get a full day in on the thesis. I'm just going to start writing the sections for the Netherlands. It would be nice to have that done in the next few days so that I can start editing the sections, maybe have other people read them, and get the other parts taken care of (like uh the whole America part, but also I don't know if I really have a literature review per se). I basically have 2 weeks, and I told Bob I'd put some edits into InDesign for the Redmond project I worked on last summer. It worked out well, I don't have time for the 20-40 hours he was originally asking for, but putting the edits in should be more along the lines of 6 hours I think.
Meanwhile I also have a meeting to attend on the 19th, and I do have to do some work on the contract for Tulalip, see where Eiko is with the maps, what else I need before our December meeting, and when we're having it. I also need to call Erica, catch up, hopefully hear awesome birthday stories and apologize for only facebook messaging her and not actually calling on her bday. I am SO lame. Also need to then ask her to do me a favor and get my ticket home set up for Xmas. Then talk about when I would come visit her. I'd still like to visit this late winter/early spring, I think it's very do-able.
Anyway! I hope you had a good day and I will talk to you tomorrow.
I bought a terabyte hard drive on Friday, was hoping it would get delivered on Saturday but they were all "your shipping address is different than your billing address durr hurr" so they fucked it up awesomely, so here it is today. Then of course that takes up several hours of me playing with my new toy. Finally around 4ish I realize that pierogi making is going to be a Production so I figure I start early so they'll be ready early, and we can just boil and fry them up when it's dinner time. Well fast forward 4 hours later, and between the beet & chickpea salad, doing a double batch of pierogi (half to save for later), sending Grace to the store for Tofutti Sour Supreme, and Joni making gingered greens, plus carmelizing onions and figuring out how to boil, drain, and fry the pierogi in the right times was... whew. Anyway they turned out great, a little chewy but good, and people all enjoyed them.
Tomorrow I really REALLY need to get a full day in on the thesis. I'm just going to start writing the sections for the Netherlands. It would be nice to have that done in the next few days so that I can start editing the sections, maybe have other people read them, and get the other parts taken care of (like uh the whole America part, but also I don't know if I really have a literature review per se). I basically have 2 weeks, and I told Bob I'd put some edits into InDesign for the Redmond project I worked on last summer. It worked out well, I don't have time for the 20-40 hours he was originally asking for, but putting the edits in should be more along the lines of 6 hours I think.
Meanwhile I also have a meeting to attend on the 19th, and I do have to do some work on the contract for Tulalip, see where Eiko is with the maps, what else I need before our December meeting, and when we're having it. I also need to call Erica, catch up, hopefully hear awesome birthday stories and apologize for only facebook messaging her and not actually calling on her bday. I am SO lame. Also need to then ask her to do me a favor and get my ticket home set up for Xmas. Then talk about when I would come visit her. I'd still like to visit this late winter/early spring, I think it's very do-able.
Anyway! I hope you had a good day and I will talk to you tomorrow.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Ohh, BooBoo...
DOOD, okay. New week, new list. A coupla new headaches to add.
I made a very recent realization that i haven't paid car insurance. In MONTHS. (The irony is that these realizations only occur to *good* drivers that never need to think about their insurance coverage.) These were one of those moments where the more i thought about the thought, the worse the situation got (or the more the bad situation presented itself). I thought:
- Why haven't i paid car insurance in so long? How did i forget?
Because i haven't heard from them in a while like i usually do.
- Why not?
Because the email address they have for me is the one i've been avoiding checking for the last couple of months, due to completely unrelated reasons.
- Well, but they were on auto-pay on the credit card.
Yes, but that was my old credit card, which expired in August. Which is about the time they would've notified me. Except they would've through email. Except that was around the time i started being avoidant of said email account.
HolyshitHolyshitHolyshit. F*CK.
So that needs to be dealt with, and ASAP. I don't want to deal with it. I don't even want to deal with my landlord situation when i'm 100% right.
I made a very recent realization that i haven't paid car insurance. In MONTHS. (The irony is that these realizations only occur to *good* drivers that never need to think about their insurance coverage.) These were one of those moments where the more i thought about the thought, the worse the situation got (or the more the bad situation presented itself). I thought:
- Why haven't i paid car insurance in so long? How did i forget?
Because i haven't heard from them in a while like i usually do.
- Why not?
Because the email address they have for me is the one i've been avoiding checking for the last couple of months, due to completely unrelated reasons.
- Well, but they were on auto-pay on the credit card.
Yes, but that was my old credit card, which expired in August. Which is about the time they would've notified me. Except they would've through email. Except that was around the time i started being avoidant of said email account.
HolyshitHolyshitHolyshit. F*CK.
So that needs to be dealt with, and ASAP. I don't want to deal with it. I don't even want to deal with my landlord situation when i'm 100% right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)